Not that I think there’s folks out there with no sense of humour. But, hell, there’s folks out there with no sense of humour. So, to those of you who are irony-deficient — better stop reading now.
You’ve heard of murderers of queers getting off on a “homosexual panic” defence? Well…
Heterosexual Panic by Elaine Miller
“HETEROSEXUAL PANIC” DEFENSE
Elaine Miller, notorious Vancouver lesbian-about-town, hopes she’ll be out of jail soon. You see, she’s got a rock-solid defense lined up, which she says will get her absolved of all blame in the murder.
“My lawyer told me all about it.” she chirps happily. “It’s called the ‘Heterosexual Panic’ defense.”
Diligent reporting work brought up the following facts:
On the evening of January 5th, 2005, Miller was engaged in cheerful converse with fellow lesbians in a local and well-known “dyke bar” — that is, an alcohol-serving establishment catering primary to homosexual woman — when Peter Smith, a heterosexual gentleman posing as a queer man, offered to buy her a drink.
“I looked at him and thought, Oh, what a nice fag.” says Miller. ‘I told him ‘Sure, I drink cranberry juice.’”
Witnesses state that the muscular Smith talked his way into the group of women with Miller, who looked at his tight tank top, fashionable jeans, and short clipped mustache and accepted him as just another queer.
“Sure, he was a bit more coarse-mannered than your usual fag.” says Spike Butch, one of the lesbians who was in the group that night. “But I thought maybe he’d had a fight with his boyfriend or something.”
The crux of the entire evening came when Smith allegedly followed Miller to the bathrooms when she went to check her lipstick.
“He pushed me up against the wall.” shudders Miller, remembering. “He attempted to grope my breast through my flannel shirt, and then he said… he said… ‘Hey, Baby, wanna fuck?’”
According to witnesses, that’s when all hell broke loose in the ladies’ washroom. While Miller confesses she doesn’t remember much after Smith’s clumsy advances, many of the bar’s dyke regulars will never forget that night.
“God, it was messy.” says Shara River, a local softball player. “Elaine just started screaming and beating this guy with a toilet paper dispenser.”
“He had the toilet paper all wrapped around his throat. It was great. I mean, horrible. It was horrible.” says Spike Butch, who dates Miller regularly.
Other witness came forward about Miller’s attack on Smith, telling about Miller’s yelling over and over “I am not your fucking spritz-head girlfriend!” and “Straight man! Straight man!”, seeming in great anguish as she beat Smith with everything that came to hand, including a toilet plunger and a rapidly disintegrating urinal puck.
All in all, it took 35 minutes for Miller to beat Smith to death, there on the floor of the dyke bar.
“We tried to intervene.” said lesbian V. White “But it just was over too fast.”
So far, attempts to interview the prosecution have not brought fruit. Pardon the pun.
Stay tuned!
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