There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Calling someone Boy is permission for that person to relax and let his/her sweet (or bratty) and playful side out. Calling someone Girl is my excuse to bring her candy treats just to watch her eyes light up. Go ahead. Giggles are encouraged.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

I’m gonna pose a few questions. Warning: I have no answers, myself…

Defining Dyke Sex

Is It (dyke)Sex or not if:

(1)
Two grrls in a relationship leap upon each other with fingers, fists, dicks,
lube, buttplugs, they stay in bed for hours, emerge sweaty, satiated,
and having both had many orgasms?

(1a)
What if one woman doesn’t have orgasms, or chooses not to?
Bonus question: What if neither do?

(1b)
What if they started, and 10 minutes into their time together, they were
interrupted by a fire alarm, before anyone had gotten really going, or had
an orgasm (which they both were capable of and wanted)?
Bonus question: What about if they were interrupted in the first few
*seconds* of lovemaking?

(1c)
What if two grrls in a relationship leap upon each other with fingers,
fists, dicks, lube, buttplugs, with the kinky intent to make one of the
women have an orgasm in under three minutes? (Timed, and she’s out
of luck if she can’t come by that time?) Is that sex?
Bonus question: What if she can’t quite make it in time?

~~~~~~~~~

(2)
Two grrls in NOT a relationship leap upon each other with fingers, fists,
dicks, lube, buttplugs, they stay in bed for hours, emerge sweaty,
satiated, and having both had many orgasms…

(2a)
Two grrls in NOT a relationship leap upon each other with fingers, fists,
dicks, lube, buttplugs, they spend less than 5 minutes in bed, and then
one of the women’s non-poly, surprised and decieved partner/girlfriend
walks in. Did the two dykes in bed have sex? Does it differ depending
on whose viewpoint one is looking at it from? (Is there ever an end to my
dangling participles?)
Bonus question: Does it change if they were in the backseat of the
aggrieved lover’s car?

~~~~~~~

(3)
Two grrls in a relationship, who do SM, get together to play. One
woman can have orgasms from BDSM activities, without being touched
genitally. While being touched genitally, in a way she perceives as
sexual, she can’t. The other woman has orgasms from genital touching,
but not from BDSM.
Is there ever a situation where one woman could be considered to have
had sex, and the other hadn’t? What if they each hated the alternate-to-
orgasm activity, and did it only to please their partner?

~~~~~~~

(4)
Is any of it ever about orgasm?

~~~~~~~~

(5)
Does the relationship factor change anything in your mind?

~~~~~~~

(6)
Is cyber sex “sex”?
What if it’s with your RL, long term, live-in-the-same-house partner,
who’s off on a business trip?
What if it’s with a stranger, who turns out to be a man masquerading as
a woman? Can a dyke become an accidental cyber-bisexual?
What if it’s with your best friend?
What if a remote-control vibrator (which is controlled by your cyber
partner) is involved?

~~~~~~~~

(7)
Is it sex if two dykes sit in the same room and jerk off while watching
each other?
Is it sex if two dykes sit on the same couch and jerk off while watching
each other?
Is it sex if two dykes sit in each other’s laps jerk off while watching each
other?
Does it count if one helps the other? In order to be “sex”, does it have to
include the moment of orgasm, or can it just be, like, holding the lube
bottle, or maybe a spot of nipple-pinching?
~~~~~~~

(8)
Is it sex if two dykes are in separate rooms, wherein the common wall
is made of plexiglass?
If they are pressed up against each other, with the glass between them?
If the plexiglass transmits heat?
What if the plexiglass has glory holes? Big enough for a dildo? Big
enough for a fist? Big enough for a woman’s head to poke through?
What if the “barrier” is soft and pliable, like clingwrap — or latex?
What if it’s very soft and pliable, but is opaque and soundproof?
How do we feel about dental dams, anyhow?

~~~~~~~

(9)
Is it all about insertion? Clit-rubbing?

~~~~~~~

(10)
Which case is “more like sex”?
a) Two dykes on a private couch kiss for an hour, stroke and caress,
pinch, scratch and pull hair, are totally into each other, completely
focussed, but remain dressed even though they get so wet that their
boxers will never be quite the same…
or
b) Two dykes fuck lackidaisically, (dick and harness) bored with each
other, simmering with hidden resentment, both wishing the other would
come already, so they could feign a leg cramp and stop. One is
fantasizing about k.d. lang, the other about Ellen Degeneres. It’s not
helping.

~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, I could go on for hours like this, but this seems oh-so-much-more
than enough.

Interested in seeing some folks draw lines — write me with your opinions?

-Elaine

Here’s some instructions for making a good, wearable dick harness. It’s somewhat awkward without pictures. If people email me and bug me, I’ll remember to take a few digital pics and slap ‘em up here.

Update — August 2008. I took pictures. Hooray! The discolouration on the green strap below is water, as I couldn’t seem to wait for it to dry completely after laundering.

Do-it-Yourself Stretchy Dil Harness

Ingredients

– Stretchy waistband elastic, 3″ (or more) wide (yes, it comes in black, at your local fabric store)
– Stretchy waistband elastic, 1″ (or more) wide
– 6 regular size snaps (about 1/2 inch or larger) (found in handy little kit in same local fabric store) (instructions in package)
– bit of glue, or needle and thread, or interfacing or some such
– piece of leather (or leather-wannabe like thick rubber) about the shape and size of a bicycle seat (maybe 6″ – 7″ long, 5 – 6″ wide at the top, 2″ wide at the bottom)
– knife or scissors, an awl or hole punch

How to

The leather piece is the codpiece/dil-holder, and the elastic stuff will snap to it, and hold it in place.
The thick elastic goes around your waist, pulled snug, with two snaps on each end of the band attaching to the corresponding two snapettes at each side of the codpiece. (the wide part of the leather shape goes at the top, the skinnier part at the bottom.)
Two straps of the thinner elastic get stitched on to the waistband at the back, one at each side. (Sorta like a jockstrap) These straps cup the buttcheeks, get pulled between your legs, and snap (with one snap each) to the bottom of the codpiece.

What it looks like

If the codpiece were a clock face, the snaps woud be at 1, 2….5,7….10,11 o’clock. All the “snappy” parts face up when it lies flat, face down.

You’ll need to put a hole, corresponding to your preferred dil size, in the codpiece. Best place for it seems to be fairly close to the bottom, or small end, of the codpiece.

The strap part, sewn together, also has all snap attachments facing the same way when you lie it flat. You’ll have one broad strap with two smaller straps sewn perpedicularly at about 1/2 and 2/3 of the length of the bigger strap.

Hints

Tight is good.

You’ll need to reinforce the elastic material where you put the snaps through it, or it will fray something awful. Interfacing, glue-and-leather-strip, zig-zag stitching… I’m still experimenting.

Fit it to youself with strong safetypins through the straps first, then cut and sew.

Strap can be laundered easily by detaching it and chucking it in the washing machine. (Yay!)

The public BDSM scene provides us all with a surprising new freedom, wherein we are permitted and encouraged to enjoy ourselves and our partners in sexy, kinky, intense and unusual ways, and wherein we are encouraged to present ourselves as we wish. Because we have invented a whole new set of social mores, it can be confusing to sort out what is actually expected of us; what it takes to be considered polite company. I hope this document may help.

Read the party rules when you get to the event.

This is the easiest item of etiquette, and also the most useful. These rules are generally in place for three reasons:

• To uphold each partygoer’s right to physical safety, reasonable privacy, timely use of equipment, room to swing a cat, freedom from being interrupted during a good time, and to some small degree, emotional safety.

• To cover the venue-renting / safety-loving / legal-issue / insurance-related butts of the party throwers so they can continue to give parties.

• To make rule-givers feel powerful and in control. (Just kidding on this last one)

Safety and Consent:

• Take no for an answer; take stop for an order. Everything we do should be done with consent — even play that appears non-consensual to the outsider’s eye.

• The party safeword varies, but “SAFEWORD” will always work.

• Know how equipment works, and check to make sure everything’s in order before you start to play, and again as you leave the station.

• Don’t attempt anything far outside your skill level without getting a bit of advice or help or mentoring or experience or education.

Privacy

• Every person who enters the dungeon should feel safe to enjoy themselves, including feeling that one is safe from being outed on a social networking site to all one’s co-workers. Please don’t bring or use cameras, cel phones, or any recording devices. Be aware that even showing these items in many dungeons will get you tossed.

• The expectation of privacy includes gossip (both inside and outside of dungeons). When, later, you’re recounting the tale of a fantastic scene you witnessed, don’t talk about people in a way that could identify them.

• If the dungeon event is invitation-only, keep the event, the location, the time, and the guest list to yourself.

Care for the Dungeon, the Venue and the Party Throwers

Be a good guest so event organizers find it worthwhile to continue their efforts. Here’s how:

• Please contain your body fluids! Use a blanket, dropcloth, tarp, plastic sheet or towel. Be careful with drinks/food, etc, too. Wipe furniture down with cleaning solution after touching it with skin. The volunteers who tear down the equipment are going to feel mighty unfortunate if they put their hands in something sticky. So do clean up after your scene. And use the trash cans/recycle bins.

• Keep the space rentable for future dungeon events: don’t damage the venue, such as by tying ropes to pipes or adding your own hooks.

• Whether coming to or leaving the venue, or standing outside smoking, please keep your public behaviour, speech and clothing as discreet as the neighbourhood calls for. Don’t scare the neighbours into calling the cops or complaining about the event to the venue owners, or the event organizers are going to spend another month looking for a new place to throw a party.

• Are you doing fireplay? Is fireplay allowed? Are you sure? Really sure? Jeepers, where’s your fire extinguisher?

Dungeon Monitors (DMs) are dying to be helpful.

• If you have problems or questions or need anything, ask a DM.

• If you’re worried about something you see, ask a DM.

• Need help with equipment, or need to know if you can move it? DM.

• Is your scene complicated, crazy, scary to others, or messy? Get the DM on your side. Let them know in advance.

• If a DM asks you to do something, do it. If you need to appeal, do it later, politely, after you’ve complied with the DM’s request.

This point of etiquette is for the DMs of the world:

• Be aware that it’s easy for a DM to look like a cop or a creep to a player who’s in the middle of a good time. Both are a buzzkill. Take care to minimize your social impact. Yeah, I’m talking to you, big hairy man in a high-vis Dungeon Monitor vest standing 3 feet from those women who are fucking.

How Do You Meet Someone?

Most folks are happy to talk to polite strangers. It’s a party, and kinky folks are generally a friendly bunch. Whether you’re dying to ask someone where they got their corset, or about the finer points of a skill they just displayed, or to compliment them on a scene, or to just get to know them, these few guidelines might help ease your way.

Looking to play? I won’t cover Dating 101 here, but all the usual guidelines of respect and politeness apply…

• Make no assumptions about role, or about anything at all — not gender, not orientation, not willingness to play.

• Socially, we are all equals, until we negotiate and agree upon a power dynamic. Thus: Her bottom is not everyone’s universal bottom, and his top does not require honorifics from everyone in the room. Treat everyone politely, but don’t feel like you have to be in scene space with everyone based on their preferred place in the sexual power dynamic.

• We are all equals, but be aware of folks who are in bottomspace for some reason. It’s considered dastardly rude to interfere with someone in this frame of mind.

• Exact social mores vary from city to city, from sub-set to sub-set, and from party to party, and vary over time. Some events may tend towards high-protocol dominance/submission, others are dance parties with a dungeon area on the side. You can often, in a social quandary, ask someone dungeon-experienced how to behave. “Say, would it be appropriate to go over there and smack her ass, then introduce myself? No? Alright then.”

What about if the person I want to talk to is in scene/actively playing?

• If you want to initiate a conversation (verbal or non-verbal) with someone currently in scene, don’t. Ever.

• After folks have been playing, wait until after they’ve done aftercare. Wait until you see them start to resume normal social behaviour. As a bottom may be still feeling a bit raw, talk to the top first, and ask if you can speak to them.

• Like this: “May I ask you a question about the scene I saw you do?” “Is now an okay time to say hi and introduce myself?” “May I tell your bottom how much I admire his bravery/ boot-licking technique / jockstrap?”

Their Scene: How to Behave

• Do watch scenes, and enjoy the sight of people having a good (hot)(intense)(cathartic)(scary) time.

• Respect others’ scenes by giving them space to unfold.

• Don’t play backswing dodgeball — give ‘em physical room.

• Give ‘em room in an auditory way. Keep quiet-ish around a scene in progress. Don’t intrude, offer advice, offer yourself or make loud comments

• Give ‘em personal emotional space, too. Don’t make eye contact –especially with the bottom– and don’t loom over a scene.

• Don’t touch anyone’s toys, equipment, collar, bottom or top without permission.

• Don’t mock anyone’s outfit, style, kink, or scene–unless you’ve been invited to do public humiliation with the players.

• If someone else’s scene bothers you, feel free to turn 180 degrees and acquire a whole new view of the dungeon.

Your Scene: How to Behave

• Play at your own level. This is not the BDSM Olympics, and you are not going to be judged for liking bondage but not suspension, spanking but not bullwhipping, or D/s but not pain play. Conversely, if you want and can organize an extreme scene where you’re fisted by 89 people in an evening, do that, and glory in it. The scale is calibrated by how much you and your playpartners are enjoying yourselves, not by how the onlookers feel about the show.

• Bring a water bottle or two. Everything’s a little easier to take when well-hydrated, and it’s a thoughtful touch to offer to your bottom or your top.

• Expect to participate in aftercare after a scene. Some folks don’t need/want it, and if so will generally say so up front.

• In most dungeons, safer sex (barriers, condoms, gloves) is the polite way to go. Some dungeons don’t allow sex. Most don’t agree on the definition of sex. Better check with the DM.

• Some dungeons don’t allow highly emotionally charged scenes — Nazi role play, rape play, face-punching, guns and weapons play, and so forth. Even if allowed, be aware of the potential impact these scenes may have on others.

• Stinky, messy scenes may be allowed. If they are, do your level best to minimize the splash zone.

• Don’t include common allergens such as pepper spray, etc, in your public scene. Your good time should not be someone else’s cue to call an ambulance.

• A scene already ongoing has a certain primacy. If you can avoid setting up your rambunctious multi-player puppy wrestling scene right beside the couple halfway through their emotional public collaring ceremony, well, that’d be thoughtful.

• Dungeons vary on noise customs. Check in before setting up for loud laughing / loud screaming / brass instrument playing.

• Tops, please remain responsible for any bottoms you have put in a blissed-out state, such as wandering around with needles sticking out. (Naked points. So rude in a crowd, yes?)

• If the dungeon is busy, or you’re on a popular piece of equipment and know there’s others waiting, please keep your scene compact in length (an hour or so). There’s wiggle room here, and the DM is your friend in trying to figure out what’s reasonable.

Think Before You Idiot.

• You share the space with other folks of various shapes, ages, class, abilities, genders, colours, cultures, orientations, and lived experience. It is NOT their job to teach you about themselves or educate you in how to share space respectfully. It’s your job to do your own homework.

General Care of the Social Aspects

Or, things I didn’t have a perfectly-fitting heading for:

• In almost every dungeon in the known universe: No hard drugs, no drunkenness. These spoil the enjoyment of some play, impair judgment, and up the level of social-gaffes-per-hour in a staggering way.

• Most places, solo play ain’t permitted or respected. Solo play is a euphemism for jerking off, as one might do at a peep show.

• Just like in the schoolyard, boasting and stunting attract attention but not of the friendly kind. Solo whipcracking looks just like jerking off, seen in a certain light. Best not to.

• If you’re a peripheral member of the BDSM community, and a friend wants to be taken on a field trip to gawk at the freaks, think twice before bringing them. Even exhibitionists generally dislike feeling like animals at the zoo.

• Casual sitting on equipment–even if it’s not in use–is discouraged. Leave the equipment for folks who’ll want to play on it.

• What someone’s wearing has no bearing on their experience or skill level or the seriousness of their kink. Clothing means nothing except that the wearer wishes to present themselves a certain way, or is trying to comply with a dress code, if there is one.

• Do your emotional homework before entering the BDSM community. Unresolved issues are so damn messy.

• Online experience does not translate well to real life, nor does online protocol apply in a real life dungeon.

• Negotiation takes many forms, from a barely verbal quick flirtation to detailed spreadsheets and months of consultation that finally coalesce into a scene. Don’t assume that everything has to be negotiated with a team of lawyers, but also understand that sparse negotiation can lead to misunderstandings.

• Try to be automatically courteous, kind, and give the benefit of the doubt in all situations. Most folks are just trying to get along and enjoy themselves. Just like you.

Document version: 0.90-Beta March 2010 http://elainemiller.com/dungeon-etiquette

Dungeon Etiquette – A Primer by Elaine Miller (downloadable PDF)

Dungeon Etiquette: A Primer by Elaine Miller is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 Canada License.
Based on a work at elainemiller.com.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1555839479/qid=1133896980/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-8677557-9405669?s=books&v=glance&n=283155