You’ve seen this. A BDSM relationship breaks up, goes bad, and suddenly both parties are lobbying publicly for the community vote on who’s the poor, abused victim. Character assassination? Why sure, pass some right over… there!

Sometimes each person in the break-up has hurt feelings, and a yen to hurt the other back. But often there’s been some seriously bad behaviour. We don’t want the abusers in our midst, free to find another to harm. What action can we take, as a community of leather folk, to find the actual abuser?

I understand why we might wish to keep the intricacies of our BDSM break-ups and kinky relationship issues out of the straight world’s law courts, considering their track record with even simple-by-comparison vanilla relationships. And even when we’re not facing outright anti-BDSM hostility, I’d still rather not try to stand in court and explain safewords and informed consent, dominance and submission, responsibility and aftercare to a judge who had never considered the possibility of a friendly spanking before this day. Sure, I could trust those few words of education to carry the day for understanding and justice; I could also buy a house built by someone who’d only read the blurb on the flyleaf of a carpentry book.

I’ve heard, over and over, that in the absence of clear-cut criminal-type crimes, we must police ourselves. Okay, but that brings up some thorny issues for me.

Who judges? Maybe we could set up a community court, wherein the combatants and their passionately devoted and loyal best friends stand and shout at each other. If it’s like a courtroom, do leather-clad lay lawyers argue the case? Do we get a choice of 12 peers for a jury and do we suffer arguments about who are really our peers? Like: “Those leather boys are okay, but the PVC crowd, whoa, no way.”

If one party is indeed guilty of abuse, I have some further questions. What power do we have to rehabilitate, punish, or prevent further abuse? Can we banish someone from a community with no borders, a loose identity, and new eager members every day?

Maybe we should have an offender registry, so that if you want a hot date with a new top or bottom, you can look her up first and see if she has any prior leather community convictions.

Now, wait, that sounds like a workable possibility. We could have an online kinda thing, y’know, like that big bookseller site.

“Shopping for a new play partner? Meet Sam, GBM, 46, cbt, gs, raunch. Sam’s sanity rating is: 7 stars. Click here if you’ve dated Sam and want to give a review. Leather boys who have dated Sam have also dated these men?”

______________________

Elaine Miller is often guilty of undue process.

Vancouver Rape Relief’s Suzanne Jay thinks that BIO’s upcoming Conference of Kink is troubling because the conference comes a few days (Dec 3-4) before the anniversary of the Montreal Massacre. Apparently, BDSM activities are so heinously degrading to women and encouraging to “violent men”, that they shouldn’t be done in the first week of December ? or heck, at all.

When someone coughs up twaddle about BDSM equalling violence and abuse, or implies that the happy sexual thrills I seek with my lovers could be linked with the insanity that makes a disturbed man round up fourteen innocent women and shoot them, I have to blink at it for a bit to make it come into focus. Eh, what? Oh. This again.

Okay, Suzanne and Rape Relief. Since you’ve obviously never been to any of our workshops, seminars, facilitated discussions or just plain open-air rants on the matter, I’ll be happy to explain it again. And again. Pay attention. I’ve got 450 words, so I have to talk fast.

BDSM is about positives: personal growth and erotic pleasure, requires pre-negotiated knowledgeable consent, and is initiated by the bottom as often as the top. SM play stops immediately when someone uses a safeword, in any scene, at any time, for any reason. Players follow guidelines for safe, responsible, positive play: acting out each player’s desires. After play, lovers feel fulfilled and close. BDSM is done with the support and knowledge of friends and community.

Abuse satisfies someone’s need to control or hurt. With no rules or limit, abuse is an uncontrolled act, with out-of-control emotions. The abuser does not respond to the needs, desires or limits of the person they abuse, while the victim has no rights within the relationship, has no control over the abuse, and feels used and hurt afterward. Abusers mistakenly assume their right to control another by virtue of some artifical scale, like gender or income. Done in isolation, abuse divides relationships and fractures trust.

Suzanne says that “Women are being hurt and killed by this behaviour and people are trying to mainstream it.” Oh, Darlin’. Once we do manage to pull BDSM play completely out of the closet and into our supportive and education-minded community, the only people who’ll be hurt by it will be those who don’t attach their suspension points to the ceiling carefully enough.

A strong, informed woman isn’t victimized by expressing her personal sexual desires. And if her desires include being tied so tightly she can’t escape the spanking she’s been craving all week ? why, that’s all about freedom, isn’t it?

Silence, fear and ignorance are tools of oppression. Information?sharing, pride in self, and really good sex… now those are my tools for a revolution!

______________________

Elaine Miller is a leatherdyke feminist. Hear her roar.