You’ve heard of murderers of queers getting off on a “homosexual panic” defence? Well…

Heterosexual Panic by Elaine Miller

Elaine Miller, notorious Vancouver lesbian-about-town, hopes she’ll be out of jail soon. You see, she’s got a rock-solid defense lined up, which she says will get her absolved of all blame in the murder.

“My lawyer told me all about it.” she chirps happily. “It’s called the ‘Heterosexual Panic’ defense.”

Diligent reporting work brought up the following facts:

On the evening of January 5th, 2005, Miller was engaged in cheerful converse with fellow lesbians in a local and well-known “dyke bar” — that is, an alcohol-serving establishment catering primary to homosexual woman — when Peter Smith, a heterosexual gentleman posing as a queer man, offered to buy her a drink.

“I looked at him and thought, Oh, what a nice fag.” says Miller. ‘I told him ‘Sure, I drink cranberry juice.’”

Witnesses state that the muscular Smith talked his way into the group of women with Miller, who looked at his tight tank top, fashionable jeans, and short clipped mustache and accepted him as just another queer.

“Sure, he was a bit more coarse-mannered than your usual fag.” says Spike Butch, one of the lesbians who was in the group that night. “But I thought maybe he’d had a fight with his boyfriend or something.”

The crux of the entire evening came when Smith allegedly followed Miller to the bathrooms when she went to check her lipstick.

“He pushed me up against the wall.” shudders Miller, remembering. “He attempted to grope my breast through my flannel shirt, and then he said… he said… ‘Hey, Baby, wanna fuck?’”

According to witnesses, that’s when all hell broke loose in the ladies’ washroom. While Miller confesses she doesn’t remember much after Smith’s clumsy advances, many of the bar’s dyke regulars will never forget that night.

“God, it was messy.” says Shara River, a local softball player. “Elaine just started screaming and beating this guy with a toilet paper dispenser.”

“He had the toilet paper all wrapped around his throat. It was great. I mean, horrible. It was horrible.” says Spike Butch, who dates Miller regularly.

Other witness came forward about Miller’s attack on Smith, telling about Miller’s yelling over and over “I am not your fucking spritz-head girlfriend!” and “Straight man! Straight man!”, seeming in great anguish as she beat Smith with everything that came to hand, including a toilet plunger and a rapidly disintegrating urinal puck.

All in all, it took 35 minutes for Miller to beat Smith to death, there on the floor of the dyke bar.

“We tried to intervene.” said lesbian V. White “But it just was over too fast.”

So far, attempts to interview the prosecution have not brought fruit. Pardon the pun.

Stay tuned!

Defining Dyke Sex

Is It (dyke)Sex or not if:

(1)
Two grrls in a relationship leap upon each other with fingers, fists, dicks,
lube, buttplugs, they stay in bed for hours, emerge sweaty, satiated,
and having both had many orgasms?

(1a)
What if one woman doesn’t have orgasms, or chooses not to?
Bonus question: What if neither do?

(1b)
What if they started, and 10 minutes into their time together, they were
interrupted by a fire alarm, before anyone had gotten really going, or had
an orgasm (which they both were capable of and wanted)?
Bonus question: What about if they were interrupted in the first few
*seconds* of lovemaking?

(1c)
What if two grrls in a relationship leap upon each other with fingers,
fists, dicks, lube, buttplugs, with the kinky intent to make one of the
women have an orgasm in under three minutes? (Timed, and she’s out
of luck if she can’t come by that time?) Is that sex?
Bonus question: What if she can’t quite make it in time?

~~~~~~~~~

(2)
Two grrls in NOT a relationship leap upon each other with fingers, fists,
dicks, lube, buttplugs, they stay in bed for hours, emerge sweaty,
satiated, and having both had many orgasms…

(2a)
Two grrls in NOT a relationship leap upon each other with fingers, fists,
dicks, lube, buttplugs, they spend less than 5 minutes in bed, and then
one of the women’s non-poly, surprised and decieved partner/girlfriend
walks in. Did the two dykes in bed have sex? Does it differ depending
on whose viewpoint one is looking at it from? (Is there ever an end to my
dangling participles?)
Bonus question: Does it change if they were in the backseat of the
aggrieved lover’s car?

~~~~~~~

(3)
Two grrls in a relationship, who do SM, get together to play. One
woman can have orgasms from BDSM activities, without being touched
genitally. While being touched genitally, in a way she perceives as
sexual, she can’t. The other woman has orgasms from genital touching,
but not from BDSM.
Is there ever a situation where one woman could be considered to have
had sex, and the other hadn’t? What if they each hated the alternate-to-
orgasm activity, and did it only to please their partner?

~~~~~~~

(4)
Is any of it ever about orgasm?

~~~~~~~~

(5)
Does the relationship factor change anything in your mind?

~~~~~~~

(6)
Is cyber sex “sex”?
What if it’s with your RL, long term, live-in-the-same-house partner,
who’s off on a business trip?
What if it’s with a stranger, who turns out to be a man masquerading as
a woman? Can a dyke become an accidental cyber-bisexual?
What if it’s with your best friend?
What if a remote-control vibrator (which is controlled by your cyber
partner) is involved?

~~~~~~~~

(7)
Is it sex if two dykes sit in the same room and jerk off while watching
each other?
Is it sex if two dykes sit on the same couch and jerk off while watching
each other?
Is it sex if two dykes sit in each other’s laps jerk off while watching each
other?
Does it count if one helps the other? In order to be “sex”, does it have to
include the moment of orgasm, or can it just be, like, holding the lube
bottle, or maybe a spot of nipple-pinching?
~~~~~~~

(8)
Is it sex if two dykes are in separate rooms, wherein the common wall
is made of plexiglass?
If they are pressed up against each other, with the glass between them?
If the plexiglass transmits heat?
What if the plexiglass has glory holes? Big enough for a dildo? Big
enough for a fist? Big enough for a woman’s head to poke through?
What if the “barrier” is soft and pliable, like clingwrap — or latex?
What if it’s very soft and pliable, but is opaque and soundproof?
How do we feel about dental dams, anyhow?

~~~~~~~

(9)
Is it all about insertion? Clit-rubbing?

~~~~~~~

(10)
Which case is “more like sex”?
a) Two dykes on a private couch kiss for an hour, stroke and caress,
pinch, scratch and pull hair, are totally into each other, completely
focussed, but remain dressed even though they get so wet that their
boxers will never be quite the same…
or
b) Two dykes fuck lackidaisically, (dick and harness) bored with each
other, simmering with hidden resentment, both wishing the other would
come already, so they could feign a leg cramp and stop. One is
fantasizing about k.d. lang, the other about Ellen Degeneres. It’s not
helping.

~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, I could go on for hours like this, but this seems oh-so-much-more
than enough.

Interested in seeing some folks draw lines — write me with your opinions?

-Elaine