I Know You Are But What Am I, by Elaine Miller

I’m beginning to suspect it
I don’t know if it is true
But I’m surer every day now
and I don’t know what I’ll do

chorus1
My lover shows these signs, you see
I’ll detail them right here
I’m watching very closely
Because… I fear that she is queer

Not only, on our second date
she drove a UHaul van
I’ve listened to her music, she’s
a big Anne Murray fan.

chorus2
My lover shows these signs, you see
on each and every day
I’m watching very closely
I’m pretty sure she’s gay

She eats tofu, brown rice and sprouts
and drinks these.. herbal teas
She goes to poetry readings
where admission’s “sliding fee”

chorus3
My lover shows these signs, you see
I know I’ve seen their like
I’m watching very closely
I’m convinced that she’s a dyke

Her best friend’s name is Riot Grrl
they both wear boots of black
her favorite shirts are flannel
there’s leather on her back

chorus4
My lover shows these signs, you see
maybe I’ll ask her friends
I’m watching very closely
she’s positively .. lesbian

She speaks of women’s issues
as she bakes for a potluck
her friends all like to gossip
they know every time we …

There can’t be any doubt now.
I’m as sure as I can be
but… if my lover is a DYKE…
then WHAT does that make ME?)

Sex Kitten

Is he usually like this?
Umm, yes. But he’ll grow out of it.
This can’t be normal.
It’s just a stage. They all go through it.

Put him outside.
Can’t. He’s too young, it’s a new neighbourhood…
We’ll put him in his carrier.
He’ll howl. You know what he sounds like when he screams like that?

Maybe it won’t be too distracting.
(pause)
OK, it’s too distracting.
No, kiss me again. Mmmm.

Ow. You’re on my hair.
That’s him. He’s standing on your pillow.

Don’t move!
Why?
He’s looking devilish.
Close your legs — slowly.

I can’t do this.
Why not?
He’s standing on your shoulder, looking at me. He looks amused. We have to stop.

OW! Ow! Yaoow!
What!?
Bloody animal! Where’d he go?
What happened?
He bit my toe.

Let’s just make hot chocolate.
Sounds good.