September 22nd!

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ARCHIVE 1997

The following is a rough transcript of a radio show I did somewhere around 1997. The “interviewer” position is Carlie’s, and her words are marked with her name. I don’t have a transcript of all her words, but most of them were segues to the next portion of the program. All unattributed text is mine. Pardon the typos, it was hastily typed to begin with, and I never got around to fixing it. Porting it from Mac to PC didn’t help it any, either.

[laughing]

Hedonist’s House of Hormones, indeed!

-Elaine

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INTRO MUSIC DR HOOK – FREAKER’S BALL

Introduction – Carlie

Front Door (Knock, knock)

Who is it?

Carlie – Sexy FM Expose Team!

F/X door noise ?-

Come on in! Welcome to The Hedonist’s House of Hormones! Let’s take a tour of my lovely home, and see all the wonderful, innocent-looking or inexpensive gadgets to further your sex life.

Carlie – You mean it’s possible to have kink without cash?

I think you’ll find that imagination is sexier than consumerism… trust me. Our first stop is the foyer, in which we find — a Closet!

Carlie – Like the one we all came out of?

Here we find shoelaces of all persuasions – and each of them has the potential to be tying something other than shoes! toes, fingers and genitalia come to mind.

This old leather jacket is just begging to be made into a flogger – with a handle made from spare doweling.

And gloves – rubber , wool, or leather; they all add sensation to a friendly spank or a caress.

This feather duster makes a great tickler- as long as it’s not dusty at the time. (Allergy attacks put a quick damper on any scene)

The ordinary – looking sports bag has a very fun accessory – a nylon webbing strap adjustable in length, and complete with hooks on the end for attaching to D-rings or anchor points!

Any old shoe sole made or rubber makes a great paddle – especially if you punch some holes in it to make it swing faster

OF course you realize that this is all consensual play!

Carlie – _____________________________

Let’s go downstairs now, shall we?

Carlie – What, going down so soon?

It’s never too soon…

Down here is my workshop/garage – and just a jumble of toys!

speaking of toys, ping pong paddles are good for hitting -more than little white balls!

A pair of swimming goggles painted with black enamel paint makes a blindfold – And a whiffle ball makes a great gag – which should please all the golfer’s spouses out there. Because of the holes in the whiffle ball, it’s a breathable gag, and so very safe.

Nerf balls make good gags for the same reason!

Carlie – Spit soakers!

Yes, Imagine throwing a nerf ball gag at your top afterwards. An excellent vengeance scene!

Paint stir sticks make wicked little paddles but watch out for splinters

And a bungee cord, doubled over with an electrical tape handle, and the covering on the ends removed , makes a great little whip. Don’t forget to remove the hooks, too!

I’ll bet you never thought of Mouse traps

Carlie – Human sized?

Ah, Catchy idea! But seriously, as long as you don’t let them snap on bits of anatomy, mousetraps of any size make excellent clamps, and properly sterilized; piercing boards.

Carlie- How would you sterilize a mouse trap?

I’d start with a new mouse trap, really, and boil the heck out of it, then soak it in alcohol before use

This drop sheet can be used for wrapping-bondage, and for catching spills -

Carlie – Lube wrestling!

Yes, but lube does get a bit expensive. Safflower oil comes out of your skin the easiest after a good wrestle!

A ladder makes a perfect rack to tie some willing person to;

Carlie – and make them walk under?

Ha! Punishment for the superstitious!

This cheap paintbrush with the stiff bristle is good for causing sensation, and for sensitizing the skin

And the omnipresent roll of duct tape – what a lot of uses for this!

Carlie – ___________ clothing_____________

And bondage. Wrapping duct tape over clothing or plastic wrap is good unless you want to have a hair removal scene as well!

A good pair of ambulance scissors is imperative if you and your bottom are doing intricate bondage scenes. Ambulance scissors are the type that haven’t got a sharp, pointed lower jaw, and so you won’t be slicing your bottom to ribbons while extricating them from a – sticky situation!

The trimmed inside of a 45 rpm record makes a good cock base if yours has none. Harness a whole new set of possiblilities…

The jubilee clip can be found at the hardware store – they’re tightened with a screwdriver and clamp onto any body protrusion.

Tack shops, found mostly in Cloverdale, are a hunting ground for neat stuff of all persuasions – canvas slings originally made for going under horses’ bellies, crops, clips,panic snaps, spurs, horse bits made of rubber for under $10 .. this list is endless.

Just try not to let them know what your nefarious intentions are – most of these places are not SM friendly.

Carlie – They would prefer that you stick to tormenting horses?

That’s right! And in this corner of the basement are some of the switches birches, I’ve cut from trees and bushes outside. Do an allergy test, though!

Carlie – _______________________________

A patch test can be done by lightly abrading the skin surface in some unnoticible spot and rubbing a peeled section of branch on that spot. If there is no reaction in 24 hrs, you’re safe. That would be itching, redness of irritation, or any allergic – type reaction.

Moving on into the sewing room -

These little tweezer clamps are made simply by obtaining bodkins from any sewing store, and dipping the ends in plasti-dip from a hardware store. The plasti-dip coats the ends and makes sure they do not cut into sensitve skin.

Carlie – I can see why Grandma spent so much time in here!

Nylon webbing straps can also be found in any good sewing store – like Dressew and can be made into anything! – Run a stitch or nine where you want – you can make harnesses, cuffs, ties, etc. Be very careful around the neck area! Use collars that will not tighten and don’t attach other bondage to the neck. Neck play can be very dangerous! Remember my favorite saying! Don’t use up the masochists!- And let’s try to keep our heads, shall we…

Any of the aforementioned strap contraptions can be made adjustable if you buy or salvage buckles – and I would say always salvage. You can obtain all sorts of items second-hand which have their own history – and you can give them a better one!

Just peeping in to the laundry room as we pass,

Carlie – What’s in the washer?

I just bought a bunch of cotton rope from the grocery store, but it is too stiff and I’m washing over and over to soften it up! This works for canvas and hemp clothng and toys as well.

We also can see my bucket of clothespins, ready to be made into zippers!

Carlie – ____________________________

Putting clothespins on folds of skin and taking them off one at a time causes a very interesting – er – sensation. Putting a string through many clothespins and taking then all off at once is a Zipper – and causes a very BIG interesting sensation.

Proceeding upstairs, this is my spanking clean living room, fit for a visit from your mother or mine.

carlie – I don’t see anything _______________

If you look at the ceiling, past the plants hanging about, what do you see?

carlie – _______ eyebolts ________

Yep, they’re firmly screwed into the beams, not just the ceiling, and are capable of supporting a very happy person. Not to mention my plants!

Here’s a good time to mention that there should not be a lot of pressure put on wrist restraints. Apart form the problem of loss of circulation, it is very easy to permanently damage the nerve right under the thumb. Hitchhiking would become difficult if not impossible.

Oh, and do not leave someone alone in any kind of bondage. Not only is it stupid , but resoundingly illegal.

Peep into the study as we pass;

Carlie – Secretary Fetish! _____hot expanse of desk________

I find that a big desk is fun for all sorts of scenes once you sweep all that pesky paperwork to the floor! And that ruler on the desk is perfect for – straightening things out.

Elastic bands can be used to tighten clothes pins for that extra pinch, and can be used for cock rings – careful about circulation!

Speaking of scenes, always remember to discuss safewords

Carlie – _________ consensus ___________

Most people use the safewords Red, Yellow and Green for Stop, Slow, and OK – and when you can’t talk, you should have safe actions! – Waving a certain way, or lifting a leg, for instance.

Ah! Next, the bedroom – not to be neglected as the site of the most comfortable item of furniture extant – the bed.

Under this innocent looking floral cover is my black rubber bedspread. I bought it from a company that manufactures inner tubes. Two rubber sheets glued side by side cover the whole bed and cost less than $30.

If you run your hands under frame of the bed, you’ll encounter my eyebolts, tucked discreetly away from prying eyes, but easily accessible when you know where they are.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of bondage, stay away from cheap handcuffs if you can avoid them, they’ve been known to jam.

Carlie-_ ___ skipping _____________

Jumping back into the closet, but only briefly, a ladies cummerbund belt with a nose notch cut in makes an excellent blindfold.

Carlie-_____eighties _________

Old belts that you don’t want anymore can be made into perfect bondage straps if you punch more holes all down the length.

Neckties, nylons, bandanas, and scarves are also useful for tying people up, light fluffier materials can be used for tickling and silky or satiny materials can be strewn on the bed to make a sensuous nest for two people to roll on. Or three. Or four.

For those lingerie freaks, an old pair of fishnet nylons can be made into a shirt by cutting off the feet and cutting out the crotch. Paired with another pair of fishnets, it’s $30 cheaper than a catsuit at the Bay.

A pair of 501 button flys can be transformed into a dildo harness by stuffing the base of the dildo in between some of the buttons and letting the dick protrude.

Carlie- I guess it’s in the Jeans!!

Ha! Skirt hanger clips are what we’ve heard of as “out of the closet” clamps, Small weights can be hung from the hook, or it can be pulled by hand or teeth.

Faux pearls are a great sensation producer when trailed across the skin,

And a clothes brush – or big hair brush can be a paddle, or be used to sensitise skin. As can a slicker brush, bought from a pet store for very little.

Pet stores are great places for obtaining collars and leashes in varying materials, too.

Carlie – ________ more suited to humans______

In the bedside table I keep the neatest things – This one is a bbl wrap dildo! Twirl the bubble wrap into a tight cylinder and stuff it in a condom. Cheap and easy. Uh…

That’s the dildo.

Condoms can be had for free, or very cheaply, at many organizations such as AIDS Vancouver, the Gay and Lesbian centre, or STD clinics. As well as preventing the spread of disease,(and unwanted pregnancy), they are perfect for making clean-up a breeze. Wrap them around any toys you insert in any body orifice. Especially latex dildos, as you can not boil them as you can, silicone ones.

Remember that oil and latex do not mix – any oil-based lubricant breaks down condoms

Carlie – ______corrode cocks_______________

Also keep oil-based lubes out of the vagina – You can get a nasty infection because it will not wash out!

You can’t beat good lube. It’s not cheap, but if you add a few drops of water when it dries a little, it will last longer than you do.

Bathroom! Let’s see what our fertile imagination can come up with!

toilet bondage might become all the rage in your house – have the person face down and kneeling, arms cuffed behind the toilet, under the tank.

Carlie – with their face in the bowl??

Perhaps. You’re looking a little flushed, now , dear. All this talk. For an even more evil variation, use the toilet paper to tie them there. Threaten them with all the things that are going to happen to them if they accidentally break free!

The little rubber cups that come in snake bite kits do heavy nipple suction. The larger the cup, the harder the suction. These work best with no chest hair

For spanking fetishists, wet skin is a much more sensitive skin to slap. – And where better to find a wet person than in the bathroom!

The plunger may be an unlikely gadget, but whacked sucker-end first against someone’s butt, it has an amazing grip and can be used to pull someone around, much to their dismay.

A shower curtain makes a quick and easy drop cloth, and A cold waxing kit is just the thing for excruciatingly painful hair removal scenes

Carlie – Lawnmower fetish!

You’re getting the picture.

Attended bubble baths are one of my favorite ways to relax.

Mentholated rubs have an interesting hot sensation – some will be too strong, and you can water them down with oil or lube. Watch out for sensitive membranes – these rubs will burn unpleasantly.

Mouthwash can also have much the same effect, except cool.

Hold your breasts, I mean breath, we’re entering the kitchen – truly a room made for sex and/or SM.

Very light cooking oil is wonderful for massages

Carlie – And for the aforementioned lube wrestling

Speaking of wrestling, if you’re going to do it in Jell-O, don’t use the green color. It stains your skin something awful.

wooden spoons may be passe, but spatulas are the nastiest thing in the kitchen. Try one out on your loved one, if they are agreeable.

Cling wrap bondage is a little-known delight.

Carlie – __see thru________

Once again, keep the ambulance scissors around just in case!

Kitchen chairs are good to attach a friend to, both in the ordinary sitting position, and – well, I’ll let you think of the other positions.

Candles, for a hot waxing scene – light them and drip the wax. The farther away you hold the candles, the less hot the wax will be. Cheap parafin candles are the best – the burning temperature is low. And try to keep the was out of the hairy spots. It’s hell to get out again.

An oven mitt is often soft & sleek one side, rough and harsh other . If not you can make it so with a pot scrubber and some scrap of silky material.

bamboo skewers can be lightly trailed across sensitive areas for a shiveringly good feeling. Prod gently for a stronger reaction.

Garbage bag tie wraps, the nylon sort – make excellent cockrings, wrist restraints

And while you may be tempted to use candy flavouring you don’t want sugar in the vagina – it’s a recipe for a surefire yeast infection.

Ice cubes produce an intense sensation when passed over the skin, and if carefully rounded at the edges can be inserted. Ladies, remember that the vagina has no temperature-sensing nerve endings past the first two inches . You are capable of giving your partner quite a shock.

Get in touch with nature. Include a vegetable or fruit in your sexual repertoire today. Zucchini, cukes, carrots, melons with holes bored in them, strawberries and whipped cream – the list is endless. Some insertable veggies should wear a condom – many can cause a slight irritation

With that in mind, for those who indulge in heavier caning-type scenes, a ginger fig will keep a bottom from tightening thier butt cheeks during the scene. This is basically a peeled ginger root segment made into a kind of tampon by passing a string through it so you will not lose it up your bottom’s bottom.

The same goes for anything inserted in the ass – make sure that it cannot be lost, as the ass can create some suction. And it is a very tender place.

Carlie ________probe______orifice______

Yes, you must be careful not to go beyond the 8″ of rectum – beyond that the bowel walls are thin as tissue paper and can be torn, which is a very serious injury.

Rectum, damn near killed ‘im!

Oh yeah, and nothing that has been in the ass should go anywhere else in the body without being thoroughly cleaned. Once again, condoms are good for the rapid switcheroo.

So play up your INDIVIDUALITY – Use MATERIALS AT HAND

HAVE FUN – COMMUNICATE to make scenes hotter and PLAY SAFE !

This brings us to my friendly back door. Get out!

Carlie – So soon?

Well, I’m expecting people, shortly. All the guys ‘n gals from Canada Customs are having their annual tea party here. Only in the most quotidian of homes, you understand. Thanks for visiting the Hedonist’s House of Hormones!

Bye!

Sfx: SLAM