https://fetlife.com/groups/1377/group_posts/2207953?utm_campaign=notifications&utm_medium=email&utm_source=new_group_discussion

I am a bit of a history buff and what I see happening in our
community, to me, strongly resembles the days of old when women were publicly humiliated
or even imprisoned, if they spoke out about being bitten.  In fact what we call biting now was in some
cases considered a man’s god given right and even encouraged.  In the Catholic Church, in the past and unfortunately
in a few situations today, children were bitten by priests.  Only to have the church either cover it up or
“encourage” the family of the bitten to silence the child as it was what was “best”
for all involved.  It is a bit unnerving
to think the kink community seems to be leaning towards handling our problem of
biting individuals in a similar fashion.  

I understand that because of the nature of or community we
are put in an unfortunate place of having very few ways to protect ourselves or
those that have been bitten or preyed upon. 
The course of action seems to be a reliance on the integrity all
involved.  Talk of elders and leaders
being relied upon to police and monitor those that are suspect always seem to
come to the forefront. I agree with this, unfortunately the community seems to
chew up and spit out so many of them. Leaving us with a shortage of those that
not only can be trusted, but will have the majority support.  Allowing them to do what is needed.

I am so thankful that Elaine has created this forum.  Hopefully it will be a place that as a community
we can take the first steps to protect our own and provide healing and a safer
place for those that we could not.

On a side note I just thought I would add that my thoughts
and words on this subject were not influenced in anyway by anyone including my
Ma’am.

Respectfully in Leather

Bootblackjack

How *Not* To Be A Douche In The Dungeon
https://fetlife.com/users/40602/posts/507718

I’m sorry, I’ll work up a way to do these links in tidy way, I will.

Now, how do we plot getting the lady here to share that wisdom in person?

Do we stay silent on the topic, and keep passing out the ice packs, and driving them to the cliinic?
Do we tell them that if they choose to stay, we can no longer support that choice, and to call us when they’re done being chewed on?
Do we stay and pass the literature and attempt to convince them to leave?
Do we bring brass knucks to an extended heart-to-heart conversation with the abuser?

See, we want collectively (I assume) to reduce/end the harm caused by abuse in our community.

Most approaches start with prevention.
- education
- outreach
In other words, reach as many folks as you can. Tell them how to stay safe, tell them how to recognize abuse, tell them how to negotiate, let folk know it’s OKAY to say no to something.

Then we move on to reduction of existing harm:
-education
-resources
-encouragement
-support for the bitten
In other words, here’s how to recognise that you’re being abused. Here’s some ways you can flee the relationship safely. Here are some legal FRO forms (fuck right off), like restraining orders, etc. Here’s where you can go to be supported in your pain.

All these pieces, at the moment, have to do with addressing the folks who get bitten. Not so much the biters.

Yet if Zenobia, an abusive type, bites Abigail until she flees, and then bites Bonnie until she leaves, and then chews on Cathy for a bit….  we don’t have a model for reducing harm in this instance, and we can see that Zenobia is working her way through the alphabet of lovers. That’s a fuck of a lot of damage, both to the women being abused, but also to the close folks around all of the people involved.

What do we do?

There is a good “You might be abused if…” section in this pamphlet for kinky folks: http://www.avp.org/documents/smvabuseforcommunity.pdf

#4 in her first list resonated for me; I feel it is very important. She suggests: “Take an approach that’s about an ethics of care and empowerment rather
than an ethics of protection, defense or punishment. Ask the question:
how can we best care for each other within our community? NOT how can we
best defend ourselves and protect our own? There is a big difference.”

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/11/20/abuse-among-the-kinky-part-1-6-ways-to-think-about-abuse/

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/11/27/abuse-among-the-kinky-part-2-10-things-to-do-to-reduce-abusive-behaviour-in-the-sm-world/

Thinking and listening.