Caveat: Forthcoming meandering.
A friend lately was telling me how calm I appear. Pretty true, I guess. For the most part I’m a low-stress kinda gal. But it got me thinking about stuff that makes me tense, and I came up with a silly one, which I’ll share with you here.
So, I think audio books are a great idea, and I would love to be able to listen to ‘em. Imagine inhaling your favourite novel through your ears while doing other things with your hands and your eyes! Like… laundry folding. Like chainmail-making. Wow. Think of the possibilities.
But there’s things other than my borderline case of APD getting in my way. I have an impatience problem.
See, I read at somewhere around 700 words a minute. Now, before you say, like (seriously) nearly everyone does, “Oh, yes, but I like to really enjoy what I’m reading.”, I’ll add that this is my average novel-reading speed, computed by the number of words in a novel divided by how long I spent reading it, while wallowing in the tub, dangling in a hammock, or kicking back on my couch. I didn’t hurry along in my reading, skim solely for salient facts on the page, or stop an imaginary timer when I got up to pee or make more tea or kiss my lover or answer the phone or pet my cats, either. It’s just my average, what-a-good-book-this-is-I’m-really-enjoying-it reading speed.
According to Wikipedia, audiobooks sorta average out at 150 words per minute.
Although I love going to author’s readings and like having loved ones read stories to me, a recorded audiobook makes my blood pressure rise as soon… as… the… molasses-slow… introduction… begins. It’s the torturous equivalent of wishing to leave the house to go for a walk, putting on your coat, and standing by the door, and asking your grandfather to tie up your Doc Martens for you. Imagine him slooowly getting out of his rocker. Imagine him finding his walking stick, hobbling over, bending over your boots, and squinting at the mess of laces. Imagine his hands shaking as he picks up one lace loop after another, trying to find the end with the aglet.
Ready to scream, yet? Yeah, me too. I can do it myself faster! I could be already walking through the autumn leaves, breathing the crisp air. I just want to get going on that walk novel.
There, wasn’t that a nice neurosis?
To make it extra ironic… didya know I’ve earned money by reading text aloud? Yes, somewhere out there, my recorded mellifluous tones are pissing off some fast reader.
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Books are awesome. Creative narrative audio rocks my world profoundly. Audiobooks? Rarely have a whole lot to offer. the only audiobook I’ve come across in the last couple of years worth spending money on is actually an unabridged reading of the bible, done Theatre of the Mind style (which means the story itself isn’t the top selling point).
and, btw… why do I have to fuck, suck or kill to read 700 wpm?
Interesting about the word-per-minute rate for audiobooks vs. print books. I listen to a lot of short story podcasts (www.escapepod.org, http://www.podcastle.org, etc.) and they’re actually my main form of fiction intake. Most of my reading time goes to non-fiction books on history.
The slowness never bothered me. I think it’s because I’m a slow reader, always stopping to think over something, instead of just plowing through.
I know what you mean. :)
However, your “problem” with most audiobooks actually works out really well for me. I use them frequently as a form of therapy. Insomnia. On and off for years. Sometimes I lay in bed ruminating about various crap, can’t turn off the brain and go to sleep. Traditional/printed books can turn off the rumination, but often backfire on the insomnia front as I’m up reading till the end. Audiobooks are often precisely just interesting enough to turn off the rumination, but just slow and plodding enough to let me drift off in the middle. My most favorite audiobook segments are the ones that I recall hearing the beginning and sometimes the middle of, but never the end.
I actually DO want them to literally bore me to sleep. And it’s the most effective thing I’ve ever tried for insomnia, better even than drugs, homeopathic and otherwise.
However, if you do NOT want audiobooks to bore you to sleep, I’d say you should recognize the diversity out there. No slam on your recorded mellifluous tones (and, where are those? I might like to hear some! ), but the best stuff is read by the author who will put a little personal juice into it. I would imagine you’re already familiar, but someone like David Sedaris is hysterical. The idea of “audiobook” doesn’t really do him justice . . . his readings are like a cross between the best stuff on NPR and standup comedy. Sarah Vowell also does her own stuff, her readings are a bit more dry, but her “audiobooks” feature guest stars and guest bands. And are you familiar with Julia Sweeney? Don’t know you well enough to know for sure, but I’d recommend “God Said, Ha!” to almost anyone. If you can see the movie of her stage performance, even better, but it’s now in audiobook, as is “Letting Go of God,” another great one. This is not just stuff slowly read into a microphone, this will be an emotional and heartfelt performance that you could enjoy on that level.