ElaineMiller.com

im not sure how to do the disqus thing, but here are a couple really amazing links, since the Revolution Starts At Home has already been linked abov. Even though these are not explicitly to do with kink communities, they include folks from within those communities, and provide info and skillsharing that is definitely applicable:

http://www.dorisdorisdoris.com/zines.html

Support Zine
by Cindy Crabb

In a time when sexual assault and
abuse are an increasing problem; even in so-called radical and punk
communities, and when most women have been sexually abused in one way or
another, Cindy Crabb (Doris Zine) brings us a document showing ways to
prevent sexual violence and support survivors of sexual abuse. The zine
helps to define consent, some letters that Cindy has received,
listening, talking about sex, power dynamics, comics by Fly, and much
more! A crucial resource that reads much like a regular issue of Doris. andLearning Good Consentby Cindy Crabb
Curated by Doris editor Cindy Crabb, Learning Good Consent
looks at the culture of sexual consent from a standpoint both sexy and
educational. Over the course of 46 pages, Cindy and friends create a
well-rounded consent workshop, with all sites set on healing and
helping. In a world of shady abusers, demonized victims, and one-sided
dating rituals, Consent has your back. As says Cindy in the
zine’s intro, “Talking about our experiences with consent, our
struggles, our mistakes and how we’ve learned, these are part of a much
larger revolutionary struggle.”

I think that this is a great idea Elaine and appreciate you starting this here. I would like to be involved.

“Listening”

and additionally, many amzing articles from from Consent Culture :

http://www.consentculture.com/

listening and did some writing too which I will send on when not so tired.  good stuff.

listening, thinking, and listening some more

*listening and thinking*

It would be great if we also added some stuff about creating a culture of consent. A lot of us (including me) talk a good game about consent but sometimes when we’re all at a friend’s house or at a party or on a date, our actual practices (from jokes to actions taken) can cross boundaries or put folks in situations where they feel that consent isn’t as important as it actually is….which leads to more badness. And who to trust?

*more listening*

A reaction to “A word on words”  While I agree that pathologizing and labelling people can have detrimental effects on individuals and communities, I fear by not naming the act of what we are attempting to fight in solidarity against, we are smoothing over the issue of non consensual actions.  If we are against this, I feel that we have to say clearly and loudly and with as much detail as possible what it is we are against. These are such important discussions and I worry about the notion of smoothing over acts of abuse in the name of giving space for people to learn about consent. 

Listening.

listening and trying to figure out what i want to say

It’s common for someone who is abusive to, when confronted, point the finger at their partner and say “no, she abused me.”

Oops, I gotta go to work! (zoinks! the time!)

We can finish this thought later

Here’s a link to recognising patterns of abuse.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

Has someone done something similar for the SM community? Anyone know of one?

Where do we draw the line between “this is your business, and your relationship; it’s private” and “this is abuse, and a community matter?”

Who decides?

Bonus question: what the heck is a community?

This is a humour article I sold to a nice lezzie magazine back in 2004
http://elainemiller.com/writing/resale/2004/verily-we-recruit/

If you ignore the fluff, it’s got the guts of my ideas about community….

I know this will work into the she said / she said issue, and the reputation issue, but it’s a common enough scenario that it ought to have its own subheading. Abusers often tell the abusee that they’re crazy. And then they tell the folks around them the same thing, as a means of social control / isolation. “Don’t listen to X, she’s crazy.” “I’m worried about X, she’s throwing all these accusations around, and we all know that they can’t be true, so she must be having some serious mental issues.”

How do we help in this case?

http://www.nlaidvproject.us/
NLA-I Domestic Violence Project
National Leather
Association International Domestic Violence Project (NLA-I DVP)

NLA-I’s Statement on Domestic Violence

The National Leather Association-International (NLA-I) calls on the leather/SM/Fetish community to take the lead in reducing domestic violence through education. No group is free of domestic violence, assault or abuse; but fear, denial and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

The NLA-I is committed to reducing all forms of domestic violence by:

1Showing community action can reduce violence.

2Supporting victims who wish to take legal action against the offender/abuser by providing them with information, referrals and resources.

3Providing referrals or resources to qualified mental health professionals for offenders/abusers or victims who need support.

4Listening to and supporting those who have the courage to tell us about their domestic violence and help them end their shame and isolation.

5Providing outreach within the legal and social service systems to enable them to discern the differences between consensual SM and domestic violence, assault and abuse, and to encourage their appropriate intervention.

6Taking the responsibility of interacting with the SM community about the forms of domestic violence, assault and abuse as well as its extent and severity. Use of drugs or alcohol as an excuse for domestic violence, assault or abuse is unacceptable. Domestic violence takes many forms: physical violence, assault, isolation, outright or subtle psychological and emotional abuse, economic control, sexual assault and abuse as well as the destruction of personal property. Non-consensual manipulation and assault are not part of SM. The NLA-I advocates relationships based on personal responsibility, honesty and integrity in which power and pleasure is derived from mutual respect.

7Promoting information about where to go for help.

Andrea Zanin wrote a couple of really great, thought provoking blog posts on this subject. The first includes “6 ways to think about abuse”, and the second, “10 things to do to reduce abusive behaviour in the s/m world”.

#4 in her first list resonated for me; I feel it is very important. She suggests: “Take an approach that’s about an ethics of care and empowerment rather
than an ethics of protection, defense or punishment. Ask the question:
how can we best care for each other within our community? NOT how can we
best defend ourselves and protect our own? There is a big difference.”

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/11/20/abuse-among-the-kinky-part-1-6-ways-to-think-about-abuse/

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/11/27/abuse-among-the-kinky-part-2-10-things-to-do-to-reduce-abusive-behaviour-in-the-sm-world/

Thinking and listening.

Since I’m thinking of this as a framework of discussion, I’ll still be all crazy with the outlines.

See, we want collectively (I assume) to reduce/end the harm caused by abuse in our community.

Most approaches start with prevention.
- education
- outreach
In other words, reach as many folks as you can. Tell them how to stay safe, tell them how to recognize abuse, tell them how to negotiate, let folk know it’s OKAY to say no to something.

Then we move on to reduction of existing harm:
-education
-resources
-encouragement
-support for the bitten
In other words, here’s how to recognise that you’re being abused. Here’s some ways you can flee the relationship safely. Here are some legal FRO forms (fuck right off), like restraining orders, etc. Here’s where you can go to be supported in your pain.

All these pieces, at the moment, have to do with addressing the folks who get bitten. Not so much the biters.

Yet if Zenobia, an abusive type, bites Abigail until she flees, and then bites Bonnie until she leaves, and then chews on Cathy for a bit….  we don’t have a model for reducing harm in this instance, and we can see that Zenobia is working her way through the alphabet of lovers. That’s a fuck of a lot of damage, both to the women being abused, but also to the close folks around all of the people involved.

What do we do?

There’s a powerful lot of smart in them there links, which doesnt surprise me since I noticed long ago that Andrea Zanin has a beautiful brain. (smile)

Now, how do we plot getting the lady here to share that wisdom in person?

How to Not Rape People, in 7 easy steps
http://benpobjie.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-not-to-rape-people-handy-guide-for.html

I’m sorry, I’ll work up a way to do these links in tidy way, I will.

Ironically I was watching an interview of IMSL 1996 title
holder Jill Carter about a month ago and found several things to be well
thought out and enlightening.  Concerning
this forum she commented on how as a community we have allowed bitters into our
midst and as a community we need to weed them out.  Then again at a community forum the topic of people
being bitten and problem folks came up. 
It was agreed that another time to discuss the topic be chosen as some
folks were uncomfortable.  Personally, I
found myself discussing the topic outside the group because it is one that I have
strong feelings about.

I am a bit of a history buff and what I see happening in our
community, to me, strongly resembles the days of old when women were publicly humiliated
or even imprisoned, if they spoke out about being bitten.  In fact what we call biting now was in some
cases considered a man’s god given right and even encouraged.  In the Catholic Church, in the past and unfortunately
in a few situations today, children were bitten by priests.  Only to have the church either cover it up or
“encourage” the family of the bitten to silence the child as it was what was “best”
for all involved.  It is a bit unnerving
to think the kink community seems to be leaning towards handling our problem of
biting individuals in a similar fashion.  

I understand that because of the nature of or community we
are put in an unfortunate place of having very few ways to protect ourselves or
those that have been bitten or preyed upon. 
The course of action seems to be a reliance on the integrity all
involved.  Talk of elders and leaders
being relied upon to police and monitor those that are suspect always seem to
come to the forefront. I agree with this, unfortunately the community seems to
chew up and spit out so many of them. Leaving us with a shortage of those that
not only can be trusted, but will have the majority support.  Allowing them to do what is needed.

I am so thankful that Elaine has created this forum.  Hopefully it will be a place that as a community
we can take the first steps to protect our own and provide healing and a safer
place for those that we could not.

On a side note I just thought I would add that my thoughts
and words on this subject were not influenced in anyway by anyone including my
Ma’am.

Respectfully in Leather

Bootblackjack