formats

Once Bitten… Abuse within the SM community, an incomplete conversation.

Published on February 7, 2012, by in Abuse, Blog.

Yeek! I moved it!

There were so many whole different chunks of conversations starting, plus very good comments for folks, that I figured it needed a multi-page format like a wiki (a public multi-page  site that allows random strangers to type smart things into it).

Go here. Be gentle with each other:   Once Bitten… Abuse within the SM community, a wiki


Tags: , ,
  • romham

    im not sure how to do the disqus thing, but here are a couple really amazing links, since the Revolution Starts At Home has already been linked abov. Even though these are not explicitly to do with kink communities, they include folks from within those communities, and provide info and skillsharing that is definitely applicable:

    http://www.dorisdorisdoris.com/zines.html

    Support Zine
    by Cindy Crabb

    In a time when sexual assault and
    abuse are an increasing problem; even in so-called radical and punk
    communities, and when most women have been sexually abused in one way or
    another, Cindy Crabb (Doris Zine) brings us a document showing ways to
    prevent sexual violence and support survivors of sexual abuse. The zine
    helps to define consent, some letters that Cindy has received,
    listening, talking about sex, power dynamics, comics by Fly, and much
    more! A crucial resource that reads much like a regular issue of Doris. andLearning Good Consentby Cindy Crabb
    Curated by Doris editor Cindy Crabb, Learning Good Consent
    looks at the culture of sexual consent from a standpoint both sexy and
    educational. Over the course of 46 pages, Cindy and friends create a
    well-rounded consent workshop, with all sites set on healing and
    helping. In a world of shady abusers, demonized victims, and one-sided
    dating rituals, Consent has your back. As says Cindy in the
    zine’s intro, “Talking about our experiences with consent, our
    struggles, our mistakes and how we’ve learned, these are part of a much
    larger revolutionary struggle.”

  • romham

     oops. my bad, those should be separate things up there. not sure what i did with the formatting!
    “Support Zine” and “Learning Good Consent”

  • Ryancoke101

    I think that this is a great idea Elaine and appreciate you starting this here. I would like to be involved.

    “Listening”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=555433007 Kristina Gibbs-Ruby

    I don’t have any links to add, but I am interested in this conversation, and want to participate more as it unfolds.  Thanks for bringing this up, Elaine.

  • romham

    and additionally, many amzing articles from from Consent Culture :

    http://www.consentculture.com/

  • MeganJane

    I think this is a fantastic discussion to have, Elaine. I really appreciate the thoughtful work you have already put into this important topic. I am most interested in the Restorative Justice aspect of the discussion. I’m going to ponder a while and look into some old research and resources I have. I’ll keep listening.

  • Johanna

    listening and did some writing too which I will send on when not so tired.  good stuff.

  • Anonymous

    Adding to the “Support for the Bitten” section – what does the bitten person need to feel that they have done what is necessary to prevent a future biting of another person by the biter.  (this isn’t revenge.. but has to do with guilt for keeping silent)

  • Anonymous

    listening, thinking, and listening some more

  • ftm eastvan

    Before reading this, I hadn’t thought about my relationship with X in a while.  It’s easier to say that it was an unhealthy relationship than to say that it was abusive.  No doubt about it, it was definitely an unhealthy relationship. 

    I left the community.  Well, never really joined to begin with.  I never had that many connections, and X had, and probably has, many.  Getting harassed by one of X’s friends, someone I barely knew, was more than enough.  Some time after my relationship with X ended, I heard rumours about two of X’s friends knowingly crossing people’s boundaries, violating consent.  Rumours may only be rumours, but when you hear that someone has a pattern of not respecting people and of not respecting consent, you certainly aren’t interested in going to events they have a part in organizing.

    I’ve got my own cup of crazy, and for that, I can take responsibility.  I can own it.  I can also say that maybe we were both just doing the best we knew how.  I do believe that.  I don’t think X is a predator.  More like gnarly unresolved personal issues, and I know I’ve got personal issues of my own too.  (From rumours, it sounds like others within the community are / may be predators.  It isn’t fair to just believe every rumour you hear, but when it’s about violating consent, I’d rather err on the side of caution for the sake of safety. I’d rather stay far away, and perhaps warn anyone I know who might get close to do the same.)

  • Amanecia Estrellada

    *listening and thinking*

    It would be great if we also added some stuff about creating a culture of consent. A lot of us (including me) talk a good game about consent but sometimes when we’re all at a friend’s house or at a party or on a date, our actual practices (from jokes to actions taken) can cross boundaries or put folks in situations where they feel that consent isn’t as important as it actually is….which leads to more badness. And who to trust?

    *more listening*

  • http://twitter.com/LadyKona Kona

    The links we were talking about:

    The Perverted Negress: Mollena Williams – Consent [Violated]
         http://www.mollena.com/2011/03/consent-violated/

    The bad kind of pain: Kitty Stryker talks sexual abuse in the BDSM community
         http://www.sfbg.com/sexsf/2012/01/23/bad-kind-pain-kitty-stryker-talks-sexual-abuse-bdsm-community

    When safe words are ignored – Women in the bondage and kink scene are speaking out
    about sexual assaults in the community, and calling for change
         http://www.salon.com/2012/01/29/real_abuse_in_bdsm/

    Thanks.
    !Kona

  • Jocelyn

    A reaction to “A word on words”  While I agree that pathologizing and labelling people can have detrimental effects on individuals and communities, I fear by not naming the act of what we are attempting to fight in solidarity against, we are smoothing over the issue of non consensual actions.  If we are against this, I feel that we have to say clearly and loudly and with as much detail as possible what it is we are against. These are such important discussions and I worry about the notion of smoothing over acts of abuse in the name of giving space for people to learn about consent. 

  • Swati

    listening and glad this conversation is happening (and for me happening onine which is way more accessable for me)

  • Pussy

    Listening.

  • http://www.facebook.com/teunis.peters Teunis Peters

    Got bitten.  Person who bit accused me of being a biter – I guess. I never knew what happened but got exiled for it.   No justice, and no chance to heal.   Now I’ve had other problems and other issues – I’m dealing with those.   The last place I ever want to be in is in a spot where I’m hurting someone.

    that said – people carry their own histories and understandings, and communicating can be hard a lot of the time.   A lot of the people in the community have wounds of their own, many raw.   It can make both speaking and listening very hard.   I know I’m not alone in that I need to trust others, to heal.

  • colin

    listening and trying to figure out what i want to say

  • Anonymous

     Yup, I hear you on that. I worried back and forth on it for quite a while.

    But I keep thinking that we need to have room to let everyone talk about the damage done, how to help, how to prevent, how to educate… and at the same time acknowledge that at the shallow end of the scale, someone can do terrible damage without meaning to, or understanding what they’re doing — like a novice top who stumbles over a painful trigger and keeps pushing the scene through, thinking that’s how it’s done, and not being able to tell the bottom has checked out.

    When we’re at the early stages of generalizing, talking about all damage in terms of assault may mislabel someone who made a bad mistake, or unwittingly exclude the hypothetical person who took damage in from the mistake (who might not feel she has the right to talk about her hurt because it “wasn’t assault, after all”. She’s been harmed. I want to include her in the discussion.

    I encourage folks who have been involved in an assault, or an abusive situation, to go right ahead and name it as such.

    Like opening up the label of “kinky” to include those folks who never
    dip deeper than a blindfold and a bit of teasing, my intention is to at
    first pull the net super-wide, catch those places where our scenes go wrong, our relationships go wrong, and the members of our community go wrong, and problem-solve from there. My
    intention is certainly not to pull the fangs from the words we’ll need when they truly apply.

    My solution is truly imperfect, and I’m not wedded to it. I’m interested in hearing more from folks.

  • Anonymous

    It’s common for someone who is abusive to, when confronted, point the finger at their partner and say “no, she abused me.”

    Oops, I gotta go to work! (zoinks! the time!)

    We can finish this thought later

    Here’s a link to recognising patterns of abuse.
    http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

    Has someone done something similar for the SM community? Anyone know of one?

  • Anonymous

    When we see a scene in the public dungeon that makes us worried about the players, we go to the DM and ask for them to evaluate the situation. We know they have authority to stop a scene or intervene if something is going terribly awry.

    In real life, when we see a kink relationship going awry, there is no central authority to appeal to. What do we do? How do we express our worry? Who do we talk to and why?

  • Anonymous

    Where do we draw the line between “this is your business, and your relationship; it’s private” and “this is abuse, and a community matter?”

    Who decides?

    Bonus question: what the heck is a community?

    This is a humour article I sold to a nice lezzie magazine back in 2004
    http://elainemiller.com/writing/resale/2004/verily-we-recruit/

    If you ignore the fluff, it’s got the guts of my ideas about community….

  • Anonymous

    One leg of the “Prevent folks from being bitten” is education of everyone, so that we may protect ourselves against getting bitten, and also so we may recognize early assholish behaviours in ourselves, and take steps to learn new behaviours.

    Here’s a link to recognising patterns of abuse.
    http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044

    Has someone done something similar for the SM community? Anyone know of one?

  • Anonymous

    I know this will work into the she said / she said issue, and the reputation issue, but it’s a common enough scenario that it ought to have its own subheading. Abusers often tell the abusee that they’re crazy. And then they tell the folks around them the same thing, as a means of social control / isolation. “Don’t listen to X, she’s crazy.” “I’m worried about X, she’s throwing all these accusations around, and we all know that they can’t be true, so she must be having some serious mental issues.”

    How do we help in this case?

  • Samantha

    There is a good “You might be abused if…” section for kinky folks in this pamphlet: ttp://www.avp.org/documents/smvabuseforcommunity.pdf

  • Anonymous

    http://www.nlaidvproject.us/
    NLA-I Domestic Violence Project
    National Leather
    Association International Domestic Violence Project (NLA-I DVP)

    NLA-I’s Statement on Domestic Violence

    The National Leather Association-International (NLA-I) calls on the leather/SM/Fetish community to take the lead in reducing domestic violence through education. No group is free of domestic violence, assault or abuse; but fear, denial and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to this serious social problem.

    The NLA-I is committed to reducing all forms of domestic violence by:

    1Showing community action can reduce violence.

    2Supporting victims who wish to take legal action against the offender/abuser by providing them with information, referrals and resources.

    3Providing referrals or resources to qualified mental health professionals for offenders/abusers or victims who need support.

    4Listening to and supporting those who have the courage to tell us about their domestic violence and help them end their shame and isolation.

    5Providing outreach within the legal and social service systems to enable them to discern the differences between consensual SM and domestic violence, assault and abuse, and to encourage their appropriate intervention.

    6Taking the responsibility of interacting with the SM community about the forms of domestic violence, assault and abuse as well as its extent and severity. Use of drugs or alcohol as an excuse for domestic violence, assault or abuse is unacceptable. Domestic violence takes many forms: physical violence, assault, isolation, outright or subtle psychological and emotional abuse, economic control, sexual assault and abuse as well as the destruction of personal property. Non-consensual manipulation and assault are not part of SM. The NLA-I advocates relationships based on personal responsibility, honesty and integrity in which power and pleasure is derived from mutual respect.

    7Promoting information about where to go for help.

  • Anonymous

    National Leather Association International Domestic Violence Project (NLA-I DVP)
    “how to recognize abuse”
    http://www.nlaidvproject.us/web/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=110&Itemid=204

  • Samantha

    Andrea Zanin wrote a couple of really great, thought provoking blog posts on this subject. The first includes “6 ways to think about abuse”, and the second, “10 things to do to reduce abusive behaviour in the s/m world”.

    #4 in her first list resonated for me; I feel it is very important. She suggests: “Take an approach that’s about an ethics of care and empowerment rather
    than an ethics of protection, defense or punishment. Ask the question:
    how can we best care for each other within our community? NOT how can we
    best defend ourselves and protect our own? There is a big difference.”

    http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/11/20/abuse-among-the-kinky-part-1-6-ways-to-think-about-abuse/

    http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2008/11/27/abuse-among-the-kinky-part-2-10-things-to-do-to-reduce-abusive-behaviour-in-the-sm-world/

    Thinking and listening.

  • Samantha

    I don’t know why my post showed up below instead of in response to your message here, Elaine, but I’ll try again – I’d said:

    There is a good “You might be abused if…” section in this pamphlet for kinky folks: http://www.avp.org/documents/smvabuseforcommunity.pdf

  • Anonymous

    Since I’m thinking of this as a framework of discussion, I’ll still be all crazy with the outlines.

    See, we want collectively (I assume) to reduce/end the harm caused by abuse in our community.

    Most approaches start with prevention.
    - education
    - outreach
    In other words, reach as many folks as you can. Tell them how to stay safe, tell them how to recognize abuse, tell them how to negotiate, let folk know it’s OKAY to say no to something.

    Then we move on to reduction of existing harm:
    -education
    -resources
    -encouragement
    -support for the bitten
    In other words, here’s how to recognise that you’re being abused. Here’s some ways you can flee the relationship safely. Here are some legal FRO forms (fuck right off), like restraining orders, etc. Here’s where you can go to be supported in your pain.

    All these pieces, at the moment, have to do with addressing the folks who get bitten. Not so much the biters.

    Yet if Zenobia, an abusive type, bites Abigail until she flees, and then bites Bonnie until she leaves, and then chews on Cathy for a bit….  we don’t have a model for reducing harm in this instance, and we can see that Zenobia is working her way through the alphabet of lovers. That’s a fuck of a lot of damage, both to the women being abused, but also to the close folks around all of the people involved.

    What do we do?

  • Anonymous

    What do we do when our friends stay in abusive relationships?

    Do we stay silent on the topic, and keep passing out the ice packs, and driving them to the cliinic?
    Do we tell them that if they choose to stay, we can no longer support that choice, and to call us when they’re done being chewed on?
    Do we stay and pass the literature and attempt to convince them to leave?
    Do we bring brass knucks to an extended heart-to-heart conversation with the abuser?

  • Anonymous

    There’s a powerful lot of smart in them there links, which doesnt surprise me since I noticed long ago that Andrea Zanin has a beautiful brain. (smile)

    Now, how do we plot getting the lady here to share that wisdom in person?

  • Anonymous

    found this…     http://www.kinkabuse.com/

  • Anonymous

    How to Not Rape People, in 7 easy steps
    http://benpobjie.blogspot.com/2010/10/how-not-to-rape-people-handy-guide-for.html

    I’m sorry, I’ll work up a way to do these links in tidy way, I will.

  • Anonymous

    http://blogwasred.wordpress.com/2011/05/09/always-wear-a-seatbelt/
    tags: feminism, patriarchy, rape, rape culture, victim blaming

  • Bootblackjack

    Ironically I was watching an interview of IMSL 1996 title
    holder Jill Carter about a month ago and found several things to be well
    thought out and enlightening.  Concerning
    this forum she commented on how as a community we have allowed bitters into our
    midst and as a community we need to weed them out.  Then again at a community forum the topic of people
    being bitten and problem folks came up. 
    It was agreed that another time to discuss the topic be chosen as some
    folks were uncomfortable.  Personally, I
    found myself discussing the topic outside the group because it is one that I have
    strong feelings about.

    I am a bit of a history buff and what I see happening in our
    community, to me, strongly resembles the days of old when women were publicly humiliated
    or even imprisoned, if they spoke out about being bitten.  In fact what we call biting now was in some
    cases considered a man’s god given right and even encouraged.  In the Catholic Church, in the past and unfortunately
    in a few situations today, children were bitten by priests.  Only to have the church either cover it up or
    “encourage” the family of the bitten to silence the child as it was what was “best”
    for all involved.  It is a bit unnerving
    to think the kink community seems to be leaning towards handling our problem of
    biting individuals in a similar fashion.  

    I understand that because of the nature of or community we
    are put in an unfortunate place of having very few ways to protect ourselves or
    those that have been bitten or preyed upon. 
    The course of action seems to be a reliance on the integrity all
    involved.  Talk of elders and leaders
    being relied upon to police and monitor those that are suspect always seem to
    come to the forefront. I agree with this, unfortunately the community seems to
    chew up and spit out so many of them. Leaving us with a shortage of those that
    not only can be trusted, but will have the majority support.  Allowing them to do what is needed.

    I am so thankful that Elaine has created this forum.  Hopefully it will be a place that as a community
    we can take the first steps to protect our own and provide healing and a safer
    place for those that we could not.

    On a side note I just thought I would add that my thoughts
    and words on this subject were not influenced in anyway by anyone including my
    Ma’am.

    Respectfully in Leather

    Bootblackjack

  • Danielle Macdonell
Home Writing Abuse Once Bitten… Abuse within the SM community, an incomplete conversation.