Poly wanna glossary!

I co-run a site for leatherdykes, and lately I was checking in on a conversation about a couple’s poly relationship (they lean to different points on the poly/mono continuum, and it causes friction).

I was struck (pun intended) by how similar the positions taken were, to conversations I’ve seen, overheard, and been part of. My gawd! We all have the same brain! Or at least the same catch phrases.

If I were a grrl with more time on her hands, I might (might) be tempted to do a glossary of common polyamory/polyagony phrases, and seek the universal subtext within. What might we learn about ourselves from such a project? (Besides about our own cynicism. I’m aware of mine and I’ve come to terms with it.)

What are some things you’ve heard again and again?

And to clarify:

My post isn’t at all about queer relationship language compared and contrasted to non-queer relationship language — because I think it’s a truism that all human love relationships in this culture sound pretty much exactly the same.

Any conversation between people in a relationship (we’re in love, you’re the best, what about the groceries, honey did you pay the phone bill, who’s spending too much time on the computer, who shall we fuck tonight, what you think about my mother, who you’re dating and what does poly mean to you, I think we’re breaking up, I can’t believe you thought I meant…) has the same language, intonations, baggage and subtext, whether it’s said in two contralto voices, two tenors, or a mixture of the above.

What I’m looking for is… a look into *why* we (the humans, or even just the poly humans) have the same conversations with each other, saying the same things that people have been saying for as long as there have been people. And why don’t we have any analysis about it?

Is it the human condition to start a fight about buying candleholders when the root of that person’s distress is “I’m scared you’ll feel romantic with someone not-me, and that’ll mean *I’m* somehow not worthy of romance or love!”? Why do we talk in relationships about veto and the intimacy value of a sleepover, and whether it should be allowed, and the rules (control) around beginning dating a third, and the micro-management of sheet sets and sex toys and special coffee mugs and “our restaurant”… when so much of that conversation boils down to a metaphorical “I’m scared when you drive your life around without me as the sole focus. Hand me your steering wheel, I need more control.”

And here’s the kicker question — why is the root feeling so often vociferously denied? It begins the cycle anew. “Look, I’m not jealous, but…..”

I think I think too much.

-Elaine